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The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday

I find myself more and more, for the lack of a better word, demotivated.  I feel like all the wonders of life have left my mind.  It’s hard to try and even write what I am feeling.  I honestly don’t even know what I really am feeling most of the time.  I feel as though I have lost a part of myself, like I don’t understand the human part of me.  It all sounds so silly when I just go out and say it but it feels even worst, trust me.  I’ll find myself in the middle of the day in a daze as if I had just woken up from a dream.  You go to War and things will change, you get a new job and thins will change don’t get me wrong but War is… Well it’s War.  I went in right before 9/11 and even though I knew there was a really good chance I would see War I was 18 and I didn’t really think about dying.  Who does at 18, am I right?  I was invincible, I wanted to be a Hero and serve my country.  Black Hawk Down had just come out I wanted to be an Airborne Ranger, Special Forces, Delta Combat BAMF!I wanted to do something with my life. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than me.  I, I, I!!! I keep changing the subject.  So I go to combat my first time in March of 2004 and I am not scared just worried about what I’ll have to face.  I am nervous about what to expect and what it’s going to be like.  Transition has always been something stressful for me so I guess that played a part.  When I say I wasn’t scared I genuinely mean that in the sense that I didn’t have time to be scared. I was in the Infantry in a top unit training non stop for Iraq so I was prepared.  I had no doubt that I had the right training for what we were going into.  But once we were boots on the ground it was non stop combat for us. All I will say is my first tour, my first patrol I was engaged with insurgents.  My unit was was responsible for trying to contain one of the worst streets in Baghdad, Haifa Street, and we took contact all the time, everyday.  I had no time to be afraid because I had to make sure I was watching everyone’s back.  Maybe I will go into detail more about that one day.  Maybe I will get better at this blog and try to make points with my writing. For now looking back on everything that has happened so far in my life I am thinking maybe it may have been easier in 2004 when Life was “simpler” as I have once said, BUT I have to have hope that I can organize these thoughts on here better.  Write what I think when I am thinking it, or try to pick out the loudest thought, rather.  I don’t want things to be easy or I wouldn’t have joined the military or striven to do anything in life, and I don’t want things to get harder because honestly I can’t take much more.  Right now I just want things to be normal again.  I have problems with adjusting to the “real world” where people, in my opinion, are just not worth a shit for the most part.  That is not to say that maybe I ave just had the luck of running into some of our society’s unmotivated shit bags.  No one wants to work anymore or do there job.  Yes, you fucking people get up everyday and go to your place of business, clock in, clock out maybe.  But that is not working.  No one has pride in what they do! What the fuck, did everyone just grow up and get stuck with jobs they hated to make money.  Enough for now. /Nothing Follows/


About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

2 responses to “The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday

  1. I get it. I went through job after job until I realized that what I needed wasnt a job it was a team! It was a gigantic thing for me to realize. Nothing ever rises to the bond you have in a unit, but realizing that I needed to be part of a group help, at least it did me. Had to have a mission and be engaged. One things for sure nothing will replace the gravitas of war, but it will get better. One other thing, I’m right there with you on the piece of shit lazy never had to do nothing’s. Sometimes I just want to say shut the fuck up and stop whining, suck it the fuck up! On the no bullshit scale I will tell you I’ve had friends who’ve killed themselves and if you ever need to talk just ask and I’ll give you my number and well talk. No bullshit!

  2. Adam ⋅

    When I’m feeling at my worst i right things down. Not for anyone but myself. But I decided to paste one in hear with the hopes of helping:

    I’m up he sees me, I’m down
    I am up again, but my feet are bare…where are my boots
    My hands are empty…where is my gun…I need my gun
    Why am I standing on wood floors not sand?

    It was a dream and Im crying
    I feel guilty. Why am I home while so many others will never see home again?
    I feel relieved, which increases the guilt
    My amazing wife holds me as I cry
    She doesn’t ask why…she already knows

    I haven’t decided which is harder. Hearing people tell me “thank you for your service” or seeing people on TV protesting with signs saying “GOD bless IEDs”
    Im still figuring out who I am now.
    Who am I without my uniform, without my gun, without my brothers and sisters?

    My wife and children are the only things that keep me grounded
    Keeps me from floating away into the nightmare of my mind
    Part of my tries to hold onto the past
    I put on my BDUs and say it’s for hunting. The truth is I am more at home in my BDUs then I am in jeans or anything else.
    I hunt with an AR because my hands are molded for it

    I know I’m a mess, but I hide it well

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