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If you don’t know what to say… Say Nothing.

I don’t even know if that should be the topic I am so infuriated.  I try so hard to be a part of society these days, these trying depressing days.  How far to often do I feel this way I just want to break down and cry.  Another reason I want to be anonymous because a grown man, combat veteran, father of 3 wonderful children, two of which are still in pampers, just wants to break down and cry most of the time.  I couldn’t tell you why exactly, just that I start shaking, my lips tremble and I use every ounce of strength I have to suck it up and drive on.  I want so much to have a desire to communicate with people but I can’t.  I am stuck in a house that happens to be my mothers in my old room with my fiancee and our three kids and all I keep thinking is how did it get to this point.   I have lost everything, have I lost faith in humanity? I keep going for my children but I don’t understand how little people actually cared.  I spent two years actively trying to get help from the VA Hospital.  I was even admitted into the pysch ward in June of 2010.  They adjusted my meds, promised me some therapy and cut me loose. That’s all they seem to do is adjust my meds.  It gets to a point where I just want to die, if no one cares then why should I be here? Because I care about my kids and I want them to have someone who will always be there for them.  Hopefully I don’t lose my mind before they grow up.  I find it harder and harder to adapt to civilian world. I don’t want to go out anymore, I don’t want to go to the movies, or out to eat, not that I could if I wanted to.  I’ve been broke for months donating blood for pampers, funny ‘cus I thought I’d never do that. There’s some humor for ya… Anyway, what gets me the most is I had a great job making good money and I went into the VA, I went to VA Advocates, I went to Charities, I went to anyone and everyone who would listen and it’s as if I was just destined to fail.  It hurts because I am a hard worker, I went to Iraq twice and I fought for my country. I SERVED MY COUNTRY! I am sorry if you don’t agree with the War, and if you don’t then be glad you are in a country where you have freedom of speech and THOUGHT.  It’s not the Soldiers fault where our Commander in Chief chooses to send us or why he chooses to send us. We fight for the People of the United States under a President that the People Elect.  I think that I did my fair share as United States Citizen, I ask why the Veterans Affairs is not holding there part of the deal where they said they would help us Veterans when we got back from War.  I ask myself too much “What was I fighting for?” Was all this worth it? So that people can be spoiled with there smart phones on Facebook and Twitter 24/7.  Neither of which I have.  I used to have a Facebook but it was too ridiculous after a while. That’s neither here nor there, the point is I don’t understand people anymore, I don’t get where all the good people went. I still see some on that show What Would You Do?  and it makes me wanna cry every time.   So where was I going with this, well if you don’t know what to say… Say Nothing/Nothing Follows/

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About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

2 responses to “If you don’t know what to say… Say Nothing.

  1. Thank you for your service. The battle you are fighting now is going to be harder than the ones you fought in Iraq, but don’t give up the fight. And don’t give up on the VA. They haven’t fixed everything, but they really are trying. And most important of all, don’t stop writing. Whether you write here on your blog or in a private journal, there is healing to be had by expressing your thoughts.

  2. I will never say I know how you feel because no one ever does. Every soldier’s experience is different, and I know if you were 11 Bravo, you went through shit I didn’t have to get that close to. But forever whatever it’s worth, my husband and I were 3rd ID. We both got out in 2009, and we’re still struggling. We lived in my parents’ house for three years, so I totally get the “how the fuck did I end up here?” feeling. We got back from Iraq, got married, got pregnant, and ETS’d right into my folk’s house. It was like being in the twilight zone. I went straight from hauling my battle rattle to carrying my pregnancy weight, and I still don’t enjoy the company of other people like I used to. Sometimes I wonder how I ever enjoyed something as simple as having a beer with a group a friends, but that part does seem to get better with time.

    My husband was a line medic. He did two tours. Our VA here had a support group that he used to go, and it seemed to help him to just be able to talk to other vets about his experiences in Iraq and about being a civilian now. The job part is tough. I wish the VA did more than just send you to USA jobs. They need to have recruiters or something. Somebody that can actually put your resume in someone else’s hands and say “This vet needs a job.”

    Anyway, I hope this blog helps you. I feel for you. Don’t loose faith. There are people who give a shit.

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