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Death was all around me I was consumed by it… But Life was Better.

The anxiety is overwhelming, nothing to calm my nerves except write.  Writing is the only outlet I have left in this world where people have become so alien to me.  I’ll throw these words to the world in the hopes I’m not alone but I don’t have time.  I don’t have time to explain it all, how much it bothers me.  Or I do have the time but I just don’t have the mind to explain how many lives I’ve taken.  I don’t care to share all the dirty little secrets of War.  It consumes me to the point of no avail.  I would try to talk to someone because I desperately want to but the words escape me in the moment.  As the words are formed in my mind and try to speak them aloud apart of me begins to doubt everything about myself.  I don’t understand the point of anything anymore.  I don’t get people anymore or what there motives are.  I want my arrogance back, my pride, my life!  I want to go out and know that I did something with my life.  I want my confidence back, but this is real life and I am doing everything I can just to hold onto what’s left of my sanity.  Something has to happen soon, I don’t know how much I have left?  It’ like no matter how awesome I was or thought I was, there is this shadow dragging me down into the darkness.  I don’t know what to do anymore much less write, but what else can I do but shake uncontrollably as I count down the seconds.  My squad leader told me he felt the same at times and I actually feel comfort in that, knowing I am not the only one.  I miss my old feelings of war, training for war, or anything that led up to it.  The grass was greener, the sky was bluer, the air was cleaner.  Death was all around me, I was consumed by it. Kill or be killed, and ya know what? It really put life in perspective.  The things in life that really mattered all stood out after a really long field problem or a year deployment.  Going home at the end of the day is a blessing.  Spending an hour with your family before you head up to do some more training in California or Louisiana.  Going on a date with a beautiful girl after being in training for months, every word she says is magic.  What happened to the spark of life.  I enjoyed life, I Loved more than most, I lived life like not many others can understand.  I can say or describe so many things I used to  do or be but all that matters is now.  I guess the one thing among many other things is seeing him die.  Seeing his eyes wide open yet he was gone.  People die I get that.  What do I have to complain about? I made it home, right?  Sometimes I wish I could trade with anyone of them so they could make a better life than I did.  Is that what we do to our veterans who ask for help? We tell them at least your alive, what would your buddies think?  Well if I knew you were just gonna tell me to suck it up then I would have rather talked to a Drill Sergeant, at least he is a veteran.  I guess I could just suck it up and take off my little girl pants.  BUT I am not going to be down forever. “Infantryman Don’t Die, We Regroup in Hell and Kill The Enemy Again.” I will get it together and I will fix this and other veterans who need help.  I’ve had two members of my unit commit suicide since we have returned home.  Obviously they were not getting the help they needed.  I’m gonna HELP MYSELF first, then I will help others. I will care about my Job! I will care about people in need even if they are not veterans!… But not now… Now I will work on Me./Nothing Follows/

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About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

4 responses to “Death was all around me I was consumed by it… But Life was Better.

  1. I am grateful you survive.—–Your words have a stark beauty in form and flow. You have a gift.—–I do share your lyrical posts with non WordPress Vets who use reading your words as a means to express what cannot be said, only implied. YOU ARE ALREADY HELPING OTHERS.—–Are you physically healthy?—–Granny Bear

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