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Everchanging…

     I wrote a really good post this morning, in my opinion at least.  I mean you guys would have liked it but I don’t know what happened to it.  I pushed publish post and it disappeared.  Then I posted that crazy picture and when I looked for the other post it was gone.  Now the problem is it didn’t save a draft, I don’t have a written copy, and I cannot even begin to convey the emotion or context in which I was gonna write.  So whatever I was writing, I think it was honestly about hating people, made me feel kinda satisfied, for lack of a better word.  It was basically what was on my mind at that split second and writing it down felt good.  When it was finally determined to be unrecoverable I was infuriated, angry, I tried to write another draft but every other word was inappropriate to say the least.  So now we are at my third overwhelming feeling of the day already at 1030hrs, and it got me thinking.  I had an epiphany if you will, now all I know is that I know I can learn something out of this but I am still in awe of what.  I feel a little depressed because it only confirms the deranged belief that I am somehow losing my sense of me, my identity.  As I tried to write again what I had been thinking it only angered me, blurred my memory of what was really going on.  What is really going on? What am I writing about? This has nothing to do with what I was going to write either, yet this is how it all turned out, and for what? Not why? What am I supposed get, the fact that it is getting harder and harder not only to find out what it is that I really want to say but too find the actual meaning in what I say. Have I lost you yet? I will, so even now I am once again changed. Now I am confused, these people make me so angry!  No one cares, I don’t know what to say because no one fuckin talks anymore.  Every conversation is some regurgitated bull crap someone else said on T.V. or the radio.  Everyone is trying to fit in so bad, be on the up and up with social events, twitter it, facebook it. 

I could complain now about how all of the people out there are idiots who don’t know shit. I will tell you that you take it for granted.  I bought a lie that sent me to War to fight for my country, to serve for you.  I know what it is like to not have the liberties and freedom you have.  But it doesn’t matter in the end, I have sweat, bled, fought, and killed for my idea of freedom.  It doesn’t matter because any garbage bag can enjoy the freedom of Our America without fighting and realizing what your freedom means and is worth.  People watch their new heroes and new gods on the tube.  Jersey Shore shows you how to party and how to be cool.  Everyone wants to be cool and famous and rich but no one wants to earn it anymore.  There are talented musicians and entertainers but then you have the others who want to be famous for busting their nuts, break dancing at there high school prom.  One million hits, you are famous and you didn’t have to do shit. I don’t belong here.  If this isn’t you then good for you and for the rest of you, open your eyes go outside and get a life.  Maybe that’s what I was gonna write but with a Best Seller feel to it.  I guess what I am trying to say is I need cooler friends or something./Nothing Follows/

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About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

4 responses to “Everchanging…

  1. The poorest person in our country lives in luxury, but people just have no idea. We are so blessed, so fortunate, and so many people take our freedom completely for granted. I’ve tried to explain to people how next to his or her life, the greatest sacrifice the soldier makes is his or her own freedom, but people just don’t get it.

  2. My friend,
    You left a comment on my blog and I wanted to reply to thank you.

    I’ve browsed a few of your posts and I am a little concerned. You seem obsessed with the current negative trend-line our country is on . I obviously haven’t had the time to read enough of your writing to understand you and perhaps you are just going through a dark period. But know that many of us respect you for your service. We wish you well. I wish you well.

    I took a quick read of a few of your recent posts and see that you are blessed with three children and a woman who loves you. With love and family a man can survive anything.

    God bless you.
    I will answer any emails you send me.
    jcahill@ix.netcom.com

  3. When I feel like what is the point–like seriously, what is the freaking point of all this, of any of it–I look to my son. He is my anchor that has seriously kept me from falling right off the brink. Sometimes he is the only point.

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