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Rumors of my Demise have been Greatly Exhaggerated….

No one thing defines us, am I right?  I know that I have a very opinionated blog about people and whatever but the fact is I really am just disappointed with myself.  I started this blog to help me cope with a very stressful time in my 28 years of life so far.  I saw combat for the first time when I just turned 20 and had many other firsts from then.

Until last night I thought that I had felt it all, that life was pretty much over for me.  I thought that life had lost it’s taste, it’s flavor. “Life has a certain flavor for those who have fought and risked all that the sheltered and protected can never experience”. John Stuart Mill

Now about last night, I have the most beautiful little baby girl.  She is so amazing at only a year and half. (I don’t do months for baby age) She has beautiful curly auburn hair and she saved my life.  She made me the more gentler, kinder, softer SGT Dave, my alter ego. So last night as I was getting ready for bed in my childhood room, getting the kids laid down, my baby girl starts screaming and crying.  I look at her and something has flown quickly  to the ground away from her.  So many thoughts racing through my mind already, maybe a roach, she got startled.  To my surprise I see the culprit on the floor, A FUCKIN BEE!  Sorry but that was my exact thought. All this in a span of 1 to 2 seconds, I look to my beautiful Aurora and she is still screaming and looking at her fragile, innocent little finger.  My beautiful fiancee sees the stinger and immediately takes it out.  I am terrified in horror, I am more afraid than I have ever been in my life.  My baby girl is in so much pain and I can do nothing. I am useless to her, I grab her right away and do all I can do.  I hug her tight and tell her “It’s gonna be okay baby girl, it’s okay my beautiful baby.” Over and over I repeat this and she calms down but inside I am breaking.  My Fiancee sees it in my eyes I am crying.  In this moment I just want to take my baby’s pain away and make it my own.  I want her to be okay, I want her to laugh and smile again.  I know it’s just a bee sting and she will be okay.  As a matter of fact not five minutes later was she okay and sucking it up like a trooper. This morning she woke up happy as a Jay Bird.   Point: I need to be around to protect my baby girl, I want her to have good life. I know a enough girls to know that it is hard to be a girl and okay.  I will kill a bee or anything else for her and I’d rather give my life to her than take it from myself.  She is my hope, my heart, she is the good part of me I still have left and I will protect her until the day I die and even then.

But it got me thinking… I used to be a lot of things but I never used to hate people. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. The Bible.  I believe in the bible when it says Jesus told us all to love each other.  I can’t be bitter anymore.  I am who I am today and that’s what matters.  Everyday still brings new experiences good and bad.  Everyone is not like me but for the few that are.  It’s all worth it, I have had people pay for my dinner or buy me a drink before, mostly old vets out of respect.  Being a soldier is what got me a really hott beautiful fiancee in the first place. I’ve said it once and you’ll hear me say it again, It can’t rain all the time. One day soon, I don’t know when, but in one day mark my words everything will get better.  I only learn to appreciate everything I have more with each thing I lose, I gain way more.

/Nothing follows/

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About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

2 responses to “Rumors of my Demise have been Greatly Exhaggerated….

  1. I am no soldier but I have read four of your blogs and i am going to read everyone of them….I know its not that the same but I was diagnosed with PTSD .major depression…I can barely sleep …i actually can not sleep with out sleep meds….I could tell you my story but I feel as though it wouldnt compare to what you have been through ….I posted that blog about you and all the other vets and soldiers because I dont believe people see what you see everyday,feel everyday …..This below is an excerpt in a blog I wrote…..

    ….I am on my life’s journey to feed myself unconditional love by doing so it lives outside of me.
    Only seen in struggles and often it is impossible to drag myself away when I am in deep, but the light at the end of tunnel presents itself in truth.

    I have dug a grave in my soul but now I fill it with moments of love, compassion, truth and wisdom.

    heres another one(excerpt)

    Each day of my life I have woken in pain. The pain is not only physical, it also includes my heart and spirit. There have been many days where nothing was done. Each day was taken for granted. Those days I ignored the world and even myself. The pain of depression itself can present itself in a apathetic attitude( if depression had an attitude). It can be dull and numb. I have suffered, when I sleep too much or had insomnia. There are many “side effects” of deep sorrow.

    My tragedy is that I never knew that I could change. For a very long time my being was lost. I traveled around finding small adventures. I have fallen in love but never with myself. I could only see myself when I was in the moment. Time has flown by.

    I was never completely awake while I was awake;numb to the madness and the beauty. When I starting understanding that my anger was suffocating me, I push it off,like it was fire. I have had enough! Gone with the pain, let me begin.

    and heres a porm I wrote-

    im fuct now-a story of the heart

    in forms that i don’t recognize,
    my old friend goes blind
    seeing nothing in true form, losing their mind

    there is no clarity
    we would see together
    in sprints,flights in time
    a silent night paused
    clocks unwind

    a fleeting moment can rip the sky
    one picture to be seen
    does it give you back your sight?

    if only you would hear this sound,
    a music box in rhythms of time;
    melodies in beams that shine

    does this wake you?
    can you feel of what you can not see here?

    in forms that i don’t recognize
    my old friend goes blind
    seeing nothing in true form,losing their mind

    I don’t know if ill offend you by posting this….I just had to try to reach out in some way….I am working on myself right now I have little room for anyone else…..

    I hope this finds its way to you somehow….

    Some Girl from Texas that lives in Minnesota,
    Summer Crew

    • I am in no way offended, I am honestly really touched. I am glad that you can relate to what I write, people like us with PTSD may not have the same trauma but it is still there and we should share our experiences. Help each other out with some kind words. Show each other that we care… We should all care./Nothing Follows/

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