Posted on

I don’t feel good…

I don’t know who I am anymore. A couple of weeks ago as you know I had nothing, I was living at my moms house asking for pamper money.  Now, all that has changed.  I am in a new apartment better than any apartment I have ever been in even when I was in the Army.  I have a new Tahoe that is mine, no payments.  I have everything I need and want for my family.  The bad news is I am still miserable.

     I am in no better shape than I was before, in fact I feel like I am worse off because frankly it is March.  My birthday was this month, I turned 29 and I officially proposed to girlfriend of 4 years with a beautiful diamond ring.  I used my birthday wish to ask her.  Other than that March is never kind.  That’s the really unfair thing about PTSD if I may act like a teenage girl for a second. It doesn’t care about what’s going on in your life, it hits you when it wants.  I have learned it is a physical thing, PTSD is not even a disorder, it is a physical condition based on all the classes I have taken through the VA Hospital.  I have learned that through word of mouth and I have learned that personally.  I physically get sick more often now, it is an uncontrollable feeling of pain.  I was in class today and I was so anxious I almost through up.  I am tired.  I first got my apartment a few weeks ago and everytime I took a hot shower I thanked God.  I thanked God for the things people take for granted everyday like a hot shower or your own personal space, a closet, a kitchen.  But people don’t care.  Things haven’t changed, I still don’t feel good. 

     I don’t want to struggle everyday.  I have my family, I can’t be doing this anymore. I am physically becoming more and more crippled and it’s scaring me.  I raced home at about 85 to 90 mph today trying to get home because I thought I was going to have a panic attack on the road.  I am not ready to do this.  I am not ready to communicate with face to face people.  I am not a shy person but for some reason when I was at school all the people there were frightening.  What is wrong with me?  Why am I so fucked up? 

     March is a bad month, did I mention that?  We lost 8 of our brothers this month all almost in one sitting.  One secondary explosion.  Good Men.  This is pointless but who else am I going to tell.  I can’t tell my family, I don’t want them to know, or worry.  Whats the point of anything? I shouldn’t talk like this. I digress, the only thing that I can salvage out of this whole thing is that I won’t quit.  I can’t quit but I won’t.  Everything gets vivid in March, one day I hope to write about what happened over there and the sexy parts of War but right now the only parts that stand out are the really sad ones.  The only thing I can figure is that I held my tears back then I have held them for the years after since 2007 but lately it’s been getting harder and harder to forget.  I feel bad for wanting to forget but I want to move on.  I, I, I, I am such a selfish bastard./Nothing Follows/


About soldierspoem11b

I am a Father. I am 32 until March. (at which time I will update this) I am an Infantryman. I have seen War. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love the Walking Dead. I am on mission to find out who I am.

56 responses to “I don’t feel good…

  1. You are hardly a selfish bastard. You are an American Soldier who voluntarily served your country in a land far far away. I hope you were able to release some of your anxieties by putting your thoughts into words. I welcome an opportunity to speak with you in lieu of my upcoming piece. If you rather not, I completely understand. I thank you for your service and i thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you. i feel you.

  2. You are not a selfish bastard. You are a hero, and all Americans are forever in your debt. Thank you for your sacrifice and your service.

  3. Pingback: I don’t feel good… | Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger

  4. One who has suffered deep pain often feels alone. It is hard to relate to people who haven’t been through anything and who are callous towards suffering. My heart goes out to you and your family. I will be praying you can find community that cares. I’m praying that your fiancee with be a loving shoulder you can cry on. I’m praying you will find healing and renewal. There is hope. Often it is darkest right before the light.

  5. “Whats the point of anything?” Be re-assured. There is a point to everything. But only when we’re ready to consider it as such – if you see what I mean.

    (My words are meant as encouragement only.) 🙂

  6. Thank you for sharing such a difficult journey. It’s hard to find a clear path in your mind when there is so much past piled on top of it. It seems you have a lot of resources to turn to, which is wonderful. I had a thought when I read this, have you ever heard of EFT or tapping? I have little experience with it but I have some friends that have had good results with stressful situations. Maybe another tool for you to use?
    Sending you good energy.

  7. You are a beautiful human being. If you were not human –if you did not have a warm heart and genuine compassion, you would not CARE about anything. As I read your post I was thinking about EFT and How I might suggest something like that just out of the blue. However, I see another commentor has mentioned EFT and provided a link. Please check out the link. PEACE-

  8. lizpurvis

    Thank you for all you’ve done. Someone very dear to me is in Afghanistan right now. You deserve to live a full and happy life, free from the afters of war. Sending happiness your way.

  9. Forever indebted to you….
    How can we make a good difference in your life? How can I do the same for my soldier? When do we know to let you be and when do you need us to press you further? I will follow you and hear you and share the happy moments you have with the family you have and are building. Please continue to share your thoughts as they matter to those who love you, those who are learning of you through your blog, and those who seek insights to help in our own homes. Thank you, sir! — Grateful Kate

  10. allinasoiree ⋅

    Thank you so much for all that you do, I just stumbled upon this blog and I am utterly amazed. I’m sure its rough going through everything but I’m hopeful you’ll pull through it

  11. it hardly seems selfish to want to leave behind horrible things. being so willing to serve your country probably makes you one of the least selfish people around. im glad you have an outlet and a support system; im sorry any of it’s necessary (in that it’s due to your war not being over yet). sending some good vibes your way and hoping that you’ll find your way again.
    p.s. i hope this doesn’t come off sounding stupid or something – but thanks for sharing your story. seems to me the healing process is helped when others have a better understanding of what those who suffer from PTSD are going through – just a thought.

  12. It seems the further away it gets time-wise, the more that monster invades. I’ve no answers, none, but you’re not alone in this battle. I sometimes wonder how and why I lost or forgot or abandoned that which was the only ‘good’ part of war. Brothers in arms. Our Battles.
    It’s been nearly 9 years since coming home, and the monster was kicking my ass. This helped I don’t know why, but it did. Hope it gives you some help as well.

  13. What an amazing insight from someone who has experienced things utterly unkowable to those of us in this sheltered world. You shelter us. It is your back that kept my children safe (and everyone elses for that matter).
    Your worth cannot be put into words, please remember the honor you have exhibited by your deeds.
    I can only fathom the dissonance you feel, and watching death at close range is not an experience to be taken lightly.
    Just last night it occurred to me that the experience of a soldier in battle is completely astonishing. These young, strong, spirited young men witness their friends being physically destroyed by another. I cry for you, and it is ok for you to cry. It might help.
    Perhaps a physical outlet would help, try boxing or meditation, I don’t really know, just a suggestion.
    I hope you can find your own path to conquer the monster you feel is overwhelming you at times.

  14. Thank you for sharing, from a mother of an ex-soldier. Thank

  15. I just think you are incredibly brave to go through all that you have been through and to share it here with us. My thoughts and prayers are with you

  16. When you said, “But people don’t care”, it really hit me. You are grateful for what we all have because you have seen horrible circumstances. It must be extremely frustrating when the people you need understanding from can’t possibly understand. It’s not like when we lose a parent and others can relate. This is different. I cannot feel your specific pain and I would not even try to imagine it. This is unique to you. At the same time, there is power in love , concern and respect and that is what others have for you. Take it. You deserve it. It may not be the cure, but it may be all that others know how to give, it is the greatest gift they can give you…. even though it does not compare to what you have sacrificed.
    I am saying a prayer for you tonight. You don’t have to be strong. You’ve done that already. You don’t have to be brave.It is your turn to be protected. i wish you nothing but LOVE, CONCERN and RESPECT. God bless you.

  17. You’re not selfish. You are wounded, deeply wounded. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, Friend. Keep writing it down. Out there, somewhere…someone reads this and thinks, “I hear you. You are not alone.” Someone else thinks, “I hear you! I am not alone!”
    You keep writing. We’ll keep listening.

  18. I too am struggling. It started out as people saying “take it one day at a time.” I was like “NOO, That’s way to far ahead. How can I take it a day at a time when I don’t feel like breathing this minute?!” Every breath was literally painful. I know, it sounds crazy but it was. I wanted to live, I want to live but the “fire” or desire to live, to have a purpose in life was evading me. Everything I loved to do before was now just tasks to waste time while waiting to die. I have served in two wars and two branches of service. Each war has changed me more than the previous one. I’m not afraid to die. When my time comes I will embrace it like a long lost borther coming home and thankful for the time I’ve had. Living, on the other hand, well, living without purpose or meaning scares the hell out of me. I have found a minor outlet or a purpose in my word press site to get out some of my feelings and to try and help people become aware of survival tips and the importance of self reliance. This is ok at times and gets me through “one day at a time” now. February, like your March, is my bad month. Somehow I continue to drudge on. I know your pain. If you look into my archives on my site you will see these feelings. Some are of good feeling and some are quite dark but it’s how I’m trying to deal with and or cope with this. I think you will find or understand some of the feelings more than others will. Stay strong, Find a “purpose” for you. I don’t care if it is walking around your couch backwards three times a day naked. ANYTHING to give you purpose to continue to move forward. SEMPER FI and take care brutha.

  19. rsmunchel

    Hi. You have nothing to be ashamed of and writing this and sharing. And certainly, wanting to to feel better is not selfish at all, I would think it is quite normal. As for the PTSD, first, someone told me years ago, that the body remembers things that even the mind forgets – or tries to. I for one sir, can not imagine how one deals with the realities of war in the midst of it, let alone once you’re home. My heart goes out to you. Cry – by all means cry if that’s what you need to do to heal… there’s no shame in that. Write, speak, share – who know’s who else is out there that needs someone willing to speak up, who needs someone that can relate to the pain they’ve locked up and don’t know how to deal with. Not to start a pity party – but to know one’s not alone. God Bless you for serving – we have no clue; but thank you.

  20. Pingback: I don’t feel good… | Patriots for America

  21. As a veteran myself I understand some of how you feel. Though I was in Desert Storm I was not involved in as intense situation you were in. But I do understand that having the support of loved ones around you with a shoulder to cry on or just talk to is very important in your life. Thank you for your service to our Nation and stay strong..Semper Fi

  22. You are selfish, I don´t mean to sound an asshole but I probably did. I studied half my life in the U.S, lived 9/11 there, tried to join the Army, ups, I have a student visa. So I joined my army(actually it wouldn´t mattered to me if it was the french or other army of a democracy as long as I got deployed), and especially the unit that would be most deployed so I ended up in the Spanish Legion, went to Irak 2004, volunteered for Afghanistan 2006, tours consisted of 5-6 months each. Spanish Army does fight, but you´ll never see it in the news. We do kill people(not proud it what it is, ugly) and I did loose 2 friends when I volunteered for Afghanistan. Another had his right leg blown into pieces and I lived through a bullet grazing my right arm. There was no official ceremony for any of them nor any medals, because if there where `combat´ medals it would mean that we were in a combat zone, which our government denies, they say we are peacekeepers. You have the luxury of these people. That´s why I love the U.S, people might be against the war but you have support from the public and from places like the VA´s. In Spain first if you´re in the Legion you´re considered a fascist, then nobody cares or knows about what we do there because the Spanish government prohibits reporters to go with us on missions, and the reporters frankly they don´t care because it´s not news worthy since the Spanish people don´t give a fuck about the war or their soldiers. As a matter of fact a great part of spanish society considers us their enemy. I know what it is, believe it. I know how fucking hot it is, I know how blood and gun powder stink, burning tires. We didn´t have armored vehicles because they cost too much. I left the army in 2007, and went back to normal life. My civilian friends don´t give a shit about my army experience hence I don´t talk about it, I´m not the crazy 22 year old that went into the Legion, I don´t regret nothing, I did it because I wanted. It´s in my shoulders. We stayed in little shit outpost, literally in trenches with a net over us( and you know when the wind picks up what happens), 2 bottles of water a day if that, and 4 magazines for each soldier, Infantry, yes. Government didn´t have the money for more. You got attacked, and you had to be very very careful when you fired because as you well know with only 4 magazines, in a firefight goes out quick. You have a familly of your own, I don´t, I fought those wars and came back to protests and people hating us calling us fascist. Something like a miniature Vietnam, because it was a protest for a couple of days and then they forgot, they had to go party or to school or whatever. So fuck them. You are lucky my friend. Believe it. Shit that was a long ramble.

  23. I just went to your blog. What unit, how is a ´unit´ broken down too, battalions then regiments? how do you assemble and disassemble the SAW, how many parts it has, 100 pounds of gear in a routine patrol in the street? that´s about 50 kilos, for a routine patrol on the street when mobility is your best friend? did you stay on that street for days? Give me those answers please. I´m just a curious guy.

    • I approved your comments because I want everyone to know what kind of person you are. I am no liar. I was apart of the 1St Cavalry Division. I was in C 1/9 Cav and B 1/8 Cav. Don’t question me, I know what I did and if you don’t like what you read you can move on.

      • Got it, just checking, there are a lot of impostors out there and I´m passionate about this because I know what it is. I am sorry I had to test you. Hope there´s no bad feelings. From an ex-soldier to another, sorry and keep on as you americans say soldiering on.

      • If you read my stuff there is a reason I don’t get specific. I an not a bad ass or a Hero or anyone special. I am a veteran like many veterans out there struggling with something we don’t understand. We all have our War Stories, but I’m not here to compare gun sizes buddy. I write because it helps me and if I help others in the process then even better. This is a cautionary tale, a word to the wise, you go to War then this is what happens, no glory, no winners or losers, just the dead and those who wish we were.

      • Don´t need to read it, I lived it. I write about happy times. Have a good one, buddy.

  24. adelineoh

    You don’t have to feel guilty for surviving. You don’t have to feel bad for wanting to forget. You are right in that you need to move on and you need to heal. You are a hero for doing what you did, doing what no one else would have done. It is okay to let yourself be taken cared of now, people owe you that much, at least. Forgive yourself for surviving. It was never in your hands, you could never have decided that or not. Take time to heal and I know that what helps a lot of people move on after traumatic incidents, is to forgive so that they can be free from the chains that bind them to the past. Forgiveness is not saying that what was done was ok, it just means that we stop looking for the payment so we can release the debtor and be free of the debt. It frees us and allows healing to happen.

  25. I am so sorry. Thank you for all you’ve done for us. You are appreciated, you are admired, you are a hero. ❤

  26. Dear Brother. I get it completly! MSG US ARMY SF RETIRED. Short story I lived a Walter Reed for almost a year. I get it. For me it’s Been over 11 years and the Battle of Kahfji after hunting for scuds and WMDs. I won’t bother you with more except to say I didn’t start to get relief until I started to talk. My Psyc said to talk about my story. It was hard, but the more I did the easier it got and the more I healed. Good luck and Welcome Home.

  27. Pingback: I don’t feel good… | ForSaving

  28. I know a bit how you feel soldier…
    We lost our son over there March 2011 and I have to say grief is like a sniper… It catches you totally unprepared…
    I want to say, thank you son! and… that talking about this IS the only way to help it. One piece of advice to all going through this… talk, but don’t throw your pearls before swine (Matt 7:6) meaning, be picky as to who you talk to…
    The most challenging experiencing “can” build the strongest character OR the worst depravity. I respect you and believe you can choose!

    • Thank you in so many ways. I am saddened to hear about your son, I truly am. I can’t begin to imagine how you feel. hope you find comfort in knowing his death had purpose and meaning. Greater love hath no man this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. And I love your son and all the brothers that this country has lost. It’s a lesser world without them but then we are here because of their sacrifice and I will remember them forever

  29. I am gald you have your family now. I can not understand your struggles, even though I know a lot about PTSD, and have had my own trauma. But, It is a whole different wolrd over there, that I understand sometimes is difficult to explain to people at home. I wish you all the best, and that the pain will subside. I know that sharing it, over and over, as painful as it may seem, is a way of making it less painful over time.

  30. Thank you for sharing your story. Just want to say I was moved by it and I am thinking about you. Wishing you lots of good days.

  31. Mike

    I know from experience that when you come out the other end of this you will be a better person, a person you’ll really like. Keep counting the little blessings and you’ll get there – nothing surer…

  32. I just like the helpful info you supply in your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your weblog and check once
    more right here regularly. I am relatively sure I will be told
    a lot of new stuff right right here! Good luck for the next!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s