I don’t know who I am anymore. A couple of weeks ago as you know I had nothing, I was living at my moms house asking for pamper money. Now, all that has changed. I am in a new apartment better than any apartment I have ever been in even when I was in the Army. I have a new Tahoe that is mine, no payments. I have everything I need and want for my family. The bad news is I am still miserable.
I am in no better shape than I was before, in fact I feel like I am worse off because frankly it is March. My birthday was this month, I turned 29 and I officially proposed to girlfriend of 4 years with a beautiful diamond ring. I used my birthday wish to ask her. Other than that March is never kind. That’s the really unfair thing about PTSD if I may act like a teenage girl for a second. It doesn’t care about what’s going on in your life, it hits you when it wants. I have learned it is a physical thing, PTSD is not even a disorder, it is a physical condition based on all the classes I have taken through the VA Hospital. I have learned that through word of mouth and I have learned that personally. I physically get sick more often now, it is an uncontrollable feeling of pain. I was in class today and I was so anxious I almost through up. I am tired. I first got my apartment a few weeks ago and everytime I took a hot shower I thanked God. I thanked God for the things people take for granted everyday like a hot shower or your own personal space, a closet, a kitchen. But people don’t care. Things haven’t changed, I still don’t feel good.
I don’t want to struggle everyday. I have my family, I can’t be doing this anymore. I am physically becoming more and more crippled and it’s scaring me. I raced home at about 85 to 90 mph today trying to get home because I thought I was going to have a panic attack on the road. I am not ready to do this. I am not ready to communicate with face to face people. I am not a shy person but for some reason when I was at school all the people there were frightening. What is wrong with me? Why am I so fucked up?
March is a bad month, did I mention that? We lost 8 of our brothers this month all almost in one sitting. One secondary explosion. Good Men. This is pointless but who else am I going to tell. I can’t tell my family, I don’t want them to know, or worry. Whats the point of anything? I shouldn’t talk like this. I digress, the only thing that I can salvage out of this whole thing is that I won’t quit. I can’t quit but I won’t. Everything gets vivid in March, one day I hope to write about what happened over there and the sexy parts of War but right now the only parts that stand out are the really sad ones. The only thing I can figure is that I held my tears back then I have held them for the years after since 2007 but lately it’s been getting harder and harder to forget. I feel bad for wanting to forget but I want to move on. I, I, I, I am such a selfish bastard./Nothing Follows/